#11: Yet Again

I’m sorry I didn’t write for so long, I had finals going on, and so much writing to do that my index finger hurts now every time I press it against the keyboard. The truth is, I also didn’t write because I knew I had so much to tell you about that if I begin I wouldn’t know where to stop. But im still gonna try and keep this one short!

Me and Brett are still hanging out, and we spend almost every night together. He is doing his MBA now and between his school and mine, we already have a schedule of when we aleep where. Its mostly my place during the weekdays and his place during the weekends. The hardest thing of having this relationship go so well so fast is that I didn’t really have time to prepare myself! For example I had to tell my roommate, and that was tough. She had no idea. I called her to my room one night and I had a large bucket of ice cream with two spoons waiting, we talked about many different things for like an hour until finally I got the courage to tell her what was really on my mind. Basically I just told her that I met a guy, and that I am confused right now as to what exactly it is that I am feeling for him, but that I must give it a try before I can really decide. That kind of became my motto throughout this whole process.

Another thing that has been bothering me about this relationship happening so fast is that I keep wondering one very important thing, am I so into him because he is the first person I relate to so well, or is it really because of him. Could it have been any other guy that I would have hooked up with for the first time? Is this too good to be true?

I mean I’m just opening myself to this gay world for the first time and already I’m settling for the first guy I meet. I don’t know if it’s just pure luck or desperation? Who can tell me what I am feeling, because I am so not used to these emotion that I keep questioning myself.

#10: Boston

So me and Brett have seen each other a few more times since we first met, but now my best girl friend, Liya, from back home, is visiting with a friend of hers so I’m spending a lot more time with them. it’s funny, how the people I have always been closest too are the ones I find hardest to share my true feelings with.

Liya and Natalie came last week and we went to Boston last weekend, it was very spontaneous and therefore lots of fun, yet every moment of the trip I was just bursting with the desire to scream at them what I’m not saying! I pretended so many times what it would be like to tell her but I always ended up realizing that there’s no way she could keep the secret from all the rest of our friends back home, and I don’t want them all to know and talk about it while I’m not there. I’d rather tell them myself, in person when I go home for winter break.

I know it might sound like an excuse to not tell Liya yet, but the justifications make it reasonable for me to remain quiet. The whole trip though was a lot of fun even though I felt I was hiding how I really wanted to be. Soon enough though, I kept thinking, I’ll be able to tell her. Not just yet.

#9: Quick Coffee

Ok this weekend was crazy! After I met that guy Brett in that bar and ran away the next morning I managed to do it again. No I didn’t hook up with someone else and ran, it was him again! So… I went with my girlfriend Einat and her sister and Dan to a club, mostly a male club. It was a big party and I was happy I let my first boundary down and was feeling very open to new experiences so I decided to join them in this big party. We stood in line for like 15 minutes and walked in to what seemed like a scene from a movie. It was all male. Some shirtless. The music was super loud and the venue was super dark just to be lit by endless flashes of colorful pyrotechnics that makes everyone look better.  We went to the bar, got drinks and found a spot to dance, it wasn’t long before Dan wanted to smoke so we all joined him at the outdoor smoking area which was right by the entrance so we could see the line of people waiting to get in.

And there he was. Standing in line with the same friend, his name was Lewis I think. He didn’t see me yet so I hid behind Einat. I didn’t tell anyone and they didn’t notice my strange behavior luckily otherwise Dan would have made a scene. I don’t know what to do?  Half of me was happy to see him again and the other was not, do I really want to continue this? We haven’t spoken since we were together and now it will be awkward to run into each other. Originally I thought maybe I’ll try something else and new tonight? See what this world has to offer? Well, I saw him coming in my direction so I decided to do the mature thing and text him “hey, what r u upto tonight?”  Hoping it will seem coincidental that we both end up here but at least I txted. So he replied saying he’s being dragged to this party by his friend, I said “what a coincidence I’m at that party!

After a while of texting and him taking forever to check his jacket and Einat Dying to meet him already he came to where we were dancing. It was actually not awkward, we all got along very well and my friends were acting stupid trying to take pictures of us when he wasn’t looking. Seriously, they did that.  

After a while there we all decided to leave and somehow (it wasn’t too difficult) he convinced me to come over to his place again. So we tried getting a cab, and I swear to god there was one cab driver who was going to stop for us and when he saw we were holding hands, he just drove on by. I was shocked! It was kind of a wakeup call to the fact that not everything in life is perfect. Even if I did have a great night, something will always ruin it. Thankfully that was the only bad thing that happened last tonight, and the next morning I agreed to go for a quick coffee.

#8: I Met Someone!

I went out again last night to a bar called … wait actually I don’t remember what the place was called. But I have good news! Ok so ill keep you in suspense for just a bit more… and ill start from the beginning of the story. Me and Dan went to this gay dive bar to have some drinks on a random Thursday and I’m just going to remind you that it’s my third time at this kind of place. Anyway the crowd was decent, nothing too interesting so we had a few drinks and moved around half to the rhythm of the music and half to that of the booze.

After a while Dan draws my attention to a guy and told me that he keeps looking over in my direction. I look, and our eyes meet. Awkward! He saw me looking! Great Dan, now what…? Dan asked me what I thought about him, and to say the truth I wasn’t sure. He was wearing a plaid buttoned shirt tucked in his jeans, and he was there with another Asian guy, probably a friend. He’s about my height, my colors: light brown hair and a pretty face. Of course I was too nervous to say I thought he was cute so I just told Dan that he’s too short for me and I prefer to go out with someone taller. After 15 minutes of Dan trying to convince me to go over there, and this guy looking at me and I notice, Dan did something that again made me both want to kill him and thank him: Dan goes and starts talking to the Asian guy! And leaves me there alone and that guy also alone! It was like check-mate and I knew I had no other choice but to go there.

He’s name is Brett and he’s an MBA student, he thought I was older than him but in fact he’s 4 years older than me, he’s 27. So we started talking and he got us drinks and we talked some more. At some point I realized Dan was signaling at me that he’s leaving, I decided to be brave and stay there with Brett. I’m not going to give you all the details but just say that in the cab on the way to his house he asked me how come I’m so sweet, I told him I make a good first impression but it doesn’t take long to realize I’m not really that sweet. I also told him not to expect anything from me and that this is the first time I meet a guy in a bar, I know it sounds like a lie but he believed me and was also very sweet. I spend the night there.

As I was lying in his bed I couldn’t believe what was happening! What was I doing there?! Am I really starting to change my life here? This is really a big step for me and it freaks me out. How do I know this guy is not some psycho that’s going to kill me once I fall asleep?! Well I’ve never heard of a gay serial killer but who knows… with my luck? I guess my brain would do anything to prevent me from actually identifying what my heart is trying to tell me. I AM gay, and I need to get used to it. My brain again disagrees and I start fighting with myself. Eventually I fell asleep, in the morning he wanted to take me for breakfast but I told him I have school work to do, we changed phone numbers and I literally ran away.

#7: Out and About

Dan and I went out again this weekend, it was crazy! He invited me to a dinner party he went to with his boyfriend and some other older people. I was reluctant in the beginning because I didn’t know anyone except Dan, and dinner is always an awkward setting to be in if you come alone. I also thought about the fact that all these people are only going to know me as a gay person. Which is weird in a sense, because everyone I have known up to this point in my life knows me as a straight person, and anyone I will meet here on after, will only know the gay me. Which I don’t feel like it is me at all.

As I said before, growing up in a “straight state of mind” I feel like me personality has already been defined, and I don’t see myself to be particularly gay. I would like to think that anyone who meets me would never think that I was gay, I don’t know what the reality is, but from what I think, none of my friends or family has a clue… Again I’m struck by the feeling that when I meet someone that knows I’m gay, I should behave like I’m gay. And that’s what always scared me about coming out, the fear that subconsciously my personality will change to the gayer, so I would fit in. it’s this constant battle between who I am, who I want to be, and who I’m expected to be… blah… all this is way too deep, I was going to talk about the crazy night I had!

So anyway to cut things short, I went to the dinner, and sat next to an amazing woman, tall, blond and probably Scandinavian. She was really nice and as everyone else in the room, was also into arts, so of course we connected over architecture. after the dinner was over, Dan wanted to take me to a lower east side, underground party or something like that, and the blond woman (who was about 40) immediately said she’s in (without being officially invited), so we went and there were many cute guys, very mixed crowd, so immediately we went to the bar of course. It seems that shirtless bartenders are a must in every gay party; I just wish someone would set a standard, as these guys didn’t make me want to get another drink if you know what I mean… so we bought 2 drinks each and found a corner to look out from onto the sticky, sweaty dancing crowds.

Dan asked me, ok who do you like? Of course I acted the innocent part and asked, what do you mean? So he said any boy I like hell go get him for me. That’s the kind of guy Dan is, he is super nice but somehow always make me feel a bit edgy and nervous. So of course I said no thanks. That’s the way of the new gay -Act shy. But apparently that shyness is like honey to Winnie the pooh. And here the bears are not so cuddly and cute.

Dan explained to me that the straighter a guy seems, the more gays are attracted to him, I can see why. Every gay guy has a straight crush. And I guess a not-too-gay gay man is the closest you can get to fulfill that fantasy.

This post is getting too long, so I’m just going to say that my insecurity and fear got the best of me, and I went home alone. That is an ending I’m happy with actually. We did end up drunk and went home at like 5 am after going to two different bars after that party but maybe I’ll talk about that some other time.

#6: Dan and Daniel

Just came back from my first time at a gay bar!  And a gay restaurant! Or at least that is what I would call a restaurant where everyone, including the waiters seems to be gay. I went out to meet Dan tonight; we met at this nice restaurant in a very gay neighborhood to chat. I started out by saying that regardless to what Einat had probably told him, I don’t have any specific question I want answers for, but just to talk a bit about life, and the process he went through when coming out.

Dan’s story is very different than mine. He knew he was gay since he was very young and eventually told his parents around the age of 15. He said something interesting that I liked, he said,
“if you don’t make a big deal out of it, it won’t be a big deal” and that’s how he treated it, he always felt that it’s as natural as anything else and eventually so did his family and friends. So his process of coming out seems very easy to me, sometimes I fell confused, that I’m not 100% sure I am gay. And a story like Dan’s makes me feel as if I wish I was certain, whether gay or straight I just wish I was sure about myself and go on and live my life! Dan says that I am sure; I just not know it yet and should give it more time…

Well after food and a few drinks we decided it’s time to move on, and venture out to a bar nearby. We went to a bar called Barracuda and surprisingly it didn’t seem that gay… it had a pub-like feeling, dark, musty, not very crowded, it was 10pm after all, and from what I’ve heard gays only come out late. But then when the bartender took his shirt off, and the waiter (also shirtless) went around spanking the “regulars” I kind of got the feeling that this indeed is not the kind of bar I’ve been to before. We did have a good time though, Dan had vodka w/ cranberries, and I had a gin tonic. There was a creepy old gay staring at me for a while, but Dan said that it’s normal. Weird.

So to conclude my first time out at a gay bar, I found it rather interesting!  The crowd was very mixed, nice looking hipsters, old creepy looking men, and a few girls that just seemed like they were having a good time. I wondered if people noticed I felt out of place. Or was it just me trying to act as if I don’t belong, maybe a part of me still resists letting go. We agreed going out again in the weekend.

#5: Future Friend

So my girl friend Einat said she would introduce me to a friend of hers so we could chat about life and being gay. Sound like fun right? I think so too. Except she gave him my number and I haven’t heard from him yet, it’s been a week but I know were all busy with midterms these days… in the meantime Einat told me that she has someone in mind for me, kind of a set up.

His name is Rick ands she says he’s really nice and funny and good looking. I don’t feel ready for a date though, especially not a blind one! I’ve never had been on a blind date in my life, not even with a girl! And I’ve had a few miserable dates with girls… I would much rather meet her friend Dan, meet up for a chat and then maybe he would take me to a bar, a gay bar that is. I’ve never even been to one before! I don’t have any gay friends, and I would never dare go to a gay bar on my own, I’m too shy and wouldn’t know what to do in a situation like that. I know I’m making it sound as if a gay bar is a den of lions, but from what I’ve heard it might not be so far off…

So for now im basically waiting to go out to a gay bar for the first time with my future first gay friend Dan.