I know it’s been a
while since I wrote, but I was pretty busy with school and all. In the year
under me, there are two gays that are now a couple. And they’re kinda cute! I
must say it makes me a bit jealous. I’m not jealous of them specifically but of
the fact that they are fine with themselves in front of everyone. My
college is not that big and especially the architecture department is one of
those where everyone knows each other, so it’s not easy for me to think
about coming out in front of my class mates just yet, I know it will be
in the school paper tomorrow so to speak!
When I came to the
states I learned that another girl that went to the same high school as me is
also moving here, we weren’t ever that close but we obviously knew each other
and had plenty of common friends. A part of me was happy to have someone
familiar in the same city so far away from home, but the other part of me felt
like here goes my chance to be anonymous! Nevertheless we grew close
during the past year and she was always there for me when I needed a friend,
and now I think I need her once more. She studies fashion in a pretty good
school, and needless to say she is always surrounded by a very colorful and
divers entourage. So I’m thinking of telling her about my thoughts, maybe she
knows someone who I can talk to? Or who knows maybe she could even set me up
with someone? Well let’s not go too fast. I think for now I need to concentrate
on how I’m going to tell her. Other than my shrink, which doesn’t really count.
She is the first person I know that I’m going to tell!
Maybe over dinner? Or perhaps
it’s better to do it over drinks. Yea I think I’ll need a drink before I
could even dare thinking of telling her! It’s not that I am scared of how she
would react, I know she would be all like “oh I still love you, it doesn’t change
a thing, your still so important to me and blah blah blah…) I’m sure that’s how
shell react, she’s kinda corny that way… but what really scares me is the idea
of her changing how she expects me to behave.
Let me try and explain that, I’ve always been
living to an expectation. If it wasn’t what people were actually expecting of
me, it was what I expected from myself. More often than not, I tried to live up
to expectations I thought people (family and friends) had from me, even
though they never said it. Being the only normative (my shrink taught me to use
the word normative instead of normal) one in my family with normative goals, I felt
like being gay would ruin the normativeness. So I grew up in a “straight”
state of being. Because I always felt like that’s what expected of me and how I
wanted to be. Today, I feel like my personality had been solidified and my behavior
is not gay at all. To say that truth im happy with the man I’ve become. Actually
I’m pretty sure people would not think I’m gay unless I would tell them. And
that is why I fear that if people knew I was gay they would expect me
to behave like one! And that is something I’m scared of. It’s not that I think
my personality would actually become gayer, but maybe ill succumb to
inner personality swings that I don’t know exist???
I know this all sounds
crazy, but that’s the way of secrets, holding them in will make you think crazy
things, and like I have told myself not once before, if I don’t try, id never
know. So that’s it, I’m going to tell Einat, that’s my friend’s name by the
way.
