I told her!
Wow. It was indeed one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. And it took
me so long to finally get it out! I won’t tell you all the boring chit chat and
small talk that we had before I actually put out the courage to tell her, but let’s
just say we were done with the bottle of wine we ordered. Ok, so here’s how the
ball rolled. We went to this nice rooftop bar with good music and good
ambience, it was very romantic actually, and the waitress was sure we were on a
date. I think maybe my nerves helped her think that.
Eventually
I just told her that “there’s something I need to tell her”, and that kind
of paved my way… it’s funny how far off the things she thought I was going to
say were… but you won’t find that funny because you don’t know her… anyway, so I
started by telling her that I have been confused about my sexual orientation
for a while now, and that I have been talking about it with my shrink and that
he told me to try it out. The truth is, I lied to her. I didn’t tell her
everything I wanted to, when she asked me if I tried it out already I said no,
but really, I have had a bit of experience with men, nothing serious but just a
few hook ups that no one really knew about. I think because she knows me so
well, it was easier for me to leave her with a bit of doubt, not tell her the whole
truth immediately. I didn’t plan it that
way but when she asked me I just couldn’t answer the truth. It’s sad to say but
the last few years have turned me into a pretty good liar..
She cried.
Mostly she said because she was so happy that she was the first one to know. How
typical for a girl right? Somehow finding a way of making it about them.
Of course she reacted just the way I thought she would, over the top, corny support
that I had to smile and agree about how hard it has been and so on. But I didn’t
tell her all of this to get sympathy, I had a hidden agenda, as I said in the
last post, I knew she knows plenty of gays and I wanted her to use her “gay
whisperer” skills to help me. So eventually she offered to introduce me to
this other guy she knows who also grew up in a town not so far away from us,
and goes to school with her now. He’s been in NY for a year now and he met his
boyfriend on the street! Now they are living together. I agreed it could
be a good idea to meet him and chat. Maybe go for a drink or something.
It was
hard telling her. It took a lot of courage, and it really drained me for that
night. That and the wine I mean. But it does feel good, actually it feels
amazing! I still feel as if I’m trying to be someone I’m not, it’s not easy to
let go of all your defenses and show your true self right away. I still act
macho and all next to her but I think deep down she understands why I do it. And
she sees underneath it all. I don’t know what will happen next, I still have
this fear that my personality will change or something. It’s like I’m scared I will
actually turn gay!
